I watched a documentary a couple of days ago about a woman who was abused by her swim coach as a child.
It was only years later, well into adulthood, that she realised she'd been groomed.
Up until that point, she was still confused about whether or not what he did was actually wrong, and she was conflicted about reporting him. Yet she was experiencing nightmares about what had happened and was very clearly traumatised by everything.
I've been unable to stop thinking about how many people are walking around with experiences they've never fully understood or blamed themselves for.
We teach our kids about stranger danger, yet abuse is typically done by someone the child and family already know.
How grooming actually happens
Grooming follows a pattern. It starts with someone choosing a child who has a weakness or need they can exploit, someone lonely, or going through something difficult, or who just wants to feel noticed.
The perpetrator fills that need and becomes the one who listens, who remembers the small details, who makes the child feel important, while at the same time building trust with the parents and teachers around them.
They become helpful and reliable, the last person anyone would suspect, and that trust becomes the cover for everything that follows.
Once that trust is in place, they position themselves as the answer to whatever the child is missing. Gifts, extra attention, affection, privileges the child doesn't get anywhere else. To the child, it feels like finally being seen, not like something to be wary of.
Isolation comes next, though it looks like a special relationship rather than isolation. Time alone together starts to feel normal, and the child begins to feel like this connection is different from every other one in their life, which is exactly the point.
Then the boundaries start to shift, slowly and always in ways that could be explained if anyone noticed. A touch that could be affectionate. A joke that could be innocent. A small secret that grows into something the child is told not to mention.
Each step is small enough that it never feels like the moment to say something, until suddenly it isn't small anymore.
Why survivors often don't recognise it for years
By the time anything happens that the child knows is wrong, they're already confused about what's allowed and what isn't, who to trust and who not to, and whether they did something to cause it.
That confusion isn't an accident. It's built in from the start, through a shared secret, a sense of responsibility placed on the child, the quiet threat of what might happen if anyone finds out.
That's why survivors don't usually walk away thinking they were groomed. Most walk away thinking they were loved, or chosen, or that whatever happened was somehow their own fault. There doesn't need to be physical force involved for there to be lasting harm.
Grooming does not only happen to children.
Adults are groomed too, and this is how a lot of abusive relationships actually begin. The same pattern of targeting, trust, filling a need, isolation and slow boundary erosion is what coercive control looks like in its early stages. It starts with someone who seems attentive and protective, and it can take years before someone realises the relationship they're in was never really about love, it was about control.
In the documentary, the survivor said, "Grooming. Why don't we all know about this?"
Once she understood what had actually happened to her, she realised she'd done nothing wrong, and that understanding gave her the strength to press charges.
I agree with her. Everyone should know what grooming is, because not only will it help people recognise the signs of grooming, it's the difference between carrying something you don't understand for years and being able to make sense of it, and know it was never your fault.
If more people understood what grooming looks like, more children would be protected, more adults would recognise coercive control earlier, and more survivors would understand they were never to blame.
That's why I have these conversations.
Women's Month is a great time to start the conversation in your organisation. Our GBV Agency & Empowerment workshop explores grooming, alongside the wider picture of gender-based violence and personal safety, and it's suitable for men and women. It runs for 60 minutes, in person in South Africa or online anywhere.
Find out more about the GBV Agency & Empowerment workshop
In your corner,
Ann.
P.S. If any of this has struck a nerve, whether it's your own childhood, your child, or someone you're worried about right now, please don't sit with it alone.
Childline South Africa is free, confidential and available 24 hours a day on 116, for children and for adults with concerns about a child.
The GBV Command Centre is also free and available around the clock on 0800 428 428, for adults and teens as well as children.
If someone is in immediate danger, call SAPS on 10111.
Ann du Plessis is a human safety specialist with a decade in self-defense, GBV prevention and anti-bullying work.
She holds a black belt in Goju Ryu Karate and has a background in trauma-informed coaching and post-incident debriefing.
She is also a survivor of sexual assault, emotional abuse and workplace harassment, lived experience that shapes this work as a professional lens, not a personal statement.